8 Jobs Baseball Stars Did While Awaiting MLB Lockout Resolution
CANTON (Reuters) — After all that offseason fuss, the 2022 baseball season is underway. And while some things will look different, the most important things will look the same. Three outs, 30 teams, one trophy, six months and — this is the big one — 162 games.
Nine days after commissioner Rob Manfred canceled opening day, and over three months into an owner-implemented lockout, Major League Baseball and the MLB Players Association agreed to a new labor contract, ensuring a full season and averting the most catastrophic consequences. In the bottom of the ninth, the union successfully called the league’s bluff in the face of several ultimatums, and the pressure of an impending season finally forced a mutually tolerable compromise. Thank heavens. Baseball is back.
But what about all that extra time the players spent away from the game? What did some Major League Baseball’s biggest stars get into during the lockout. Let’s take a look:
Mommy
It took a lockout for New York Yankees right fielder Aaron Judge to find his calling in life, but according to the 3x All-Star, he’s finally found it. And it’s not baseball.
“As an interracial man, there was a lot of pressure throughout my life to sort of pick a side racially, leading me to identify as somewhat of a race orphan. But when I found out about Mommies and the Mommy Community, all the pressures went away.”
Coming off an All-MLB First Team, the Yankee used his free time during the MLB lockout to discover the depths of his new Mommy fetish and build community using the FetLife app.
“For me, being a Mommy is less about power. It’s more about love and learning to love others despite of their imperfections and sometimes increasingly pressing needs. Plus, burping my little babies and changing their little diapies is fun!”
As of this writing, Judge currently services over 35 clients as a Mommy in the greater New York area.
Donkey Salesman
Atlanta Braves outfielder Ronald Acuna Jr. returned to his home country of Venezuela during the lockout to work for his father — a local donkey salesman.
“You see, with donkeys there’s already an established local market,” Acuna said. “But, I tell mi Papa all the time, what if we started pushing these jackasses internationally? Get into the import/export game? Sell some ass to those perverts in Guatemala. There’s big money in ass. You don’t need an MBA to know that.” [rough translation from Venezuelan to English using DuoLingo]
Wall Street Bets Shit Poster
You may not take Toronto Blue Jays designated hitter Vladimir Guerrero Jr. for much of a day trader if you met him on the street. The 6'2", 250 lb. Canadien right hander doesn’t exactly fit the bill of a key board gangster who spends his free time in a stock trading internet forum either. Nevertheless on the popular subreddit Wall Street Bets, Guerrero Jr. found something to do to kill time during the lockout, as a shit poster.
“I love stocks and I love memes. What’s better than stocks about memes? Nothing. These days, if you aren’t posting memes, sharing memes, liking memes, then what are you doing? You don’t want to shit post? What are you going to do? Read the bible? Let me tell you something, if Instagram and Reddit existed when they were writing the bible, nobody would give a shit about that old dusty ass book.”
Ukraine Freedom Fighter
According to anonymous reports, Chicago White Sox pitcher Liam Hendriks spent his time away from the game fighting for freedom and liberation in Ukraine. After Russian dictator Vladimir Putin invaded the country threatening nuclear take-over, the Australian right hander felt a conviction to travel overseas and battle back the Eastern aggressors in Kyiv. Since his return to the MLB, Hendriks has dealt with back issues. Anyone whose been in the shit with explosions all around 24/7 knows what “back issues” is code for.
Window Model
Los Angeles Dodgers right fielder Mookie Betts confirmed he worked as a window model at the Kiki Riki, a sex clothes shop on Melrose Avenue, during the lockout.
“It was really fun. I was like one of those sign spinners you see on the corners. Except I stood up in the window wearing a lace nightie with a ball gag affixed and a dominatrix would come by every hour on the half-hour and spank me!”
Water Slide Tester
You may know Mike Trout as the 3x MVP center fielder for the Los Angeles Angels. But did you also know about his love for water slides??? Over the offseason and into the lockout the nine-time All Star apparently visited Six Flags Los Angeles’ Hurricane Harbor over 100 times.
“Most people are too afraid to go Hurricane Harbor in the winter. They say things like, “it’s to cold for water slides” or “my penis looks smaller after I get out of cold water.” But not me. I live for the slides. Bahama Blaster. Bonzai Pipeline. The Big Kahuna.”
Trout was even able to test out the water park’s newest slide, the Slippery When Wet Dirty Lube Luge.
“They probably got a little out of hand with the name, but it’s still a great slide. Although when I did it, there was no water. And it was 11 o’clock at night. I broke into the water park. I love slides!” Trout shouted as he sprinted back into the dug out.
Trust Buster
Eager to learn more about American history, San Diego Padres shortstop Fernando Tatis Jr. interned with the U.S. State Department’s Anti-Trust Division, writing bills for anti-monopolization laws, during the MLB lockout.
“Yeah, it’s actually really easy to write anti-trust legislature. There’s a lot of overlap between the skills needed to be successful in baseball and the skills needed to succeed in writing anti-trust legislature. All my friends now write anti-trust legislature. Fuck Amazon.”
Tik Tok Choreographer
If you were wondering where you could find New York Yankees infielder D.J. LeMahieu during the offseason, the answer is obvious. Tik Tok. The 3× Gold Glove Award winner put his hand-eye coordination to the test, as he began choreographing dances for many of the platform’s biggest draws-Charli D’Amelio, Jalaiah Harmon, Addison Rae, and Loren Gray.
“A lot of people think it’s weird,” LeMahieu was quoted. “Me working with all these teenage girls. Spending a lot of time with hot, young, nubile teens like this. We get really close to each other when they’re learning the moves and I’m showing ’em. It can get pretty hot and sweaty. But that’s just dance! Hot, sweaty, lusty, sexy gyrating on the floor while the music plays. I never did anything, or anything with them, though. Trust me bro.”
